Sunday, April 4, 2010

People who don't tip

People who don’t tip are disgusting, pathetic, maggots who deserve nothing but the worst in the short and disgraceful life they will hopefully live. I drive my personal car to the ends of the earth for these shit-bags, using gasoline that I pay for and they have the audacity to not tip me. I hate them. I refuse to fake a smile and pretend it’s OK. It’s not.

I got a call from one of these primitive, un-evolved, fuckheads the other day and I wanted to stick my asshole through the phone and shit in her mouth. The ugly, bad-breathed whore was paying with a credit card so I took her information. At the end of the call, I informed her of the total and asked: “Would you like to add a tip for the driver?”

Ugly Disgrace: “No.”

NO? You disgust me. You are the lowest form of life in existence. A piece of dog shit being eaten by a diseased fly has more relevance than your entire family. I hate you.

Monday, March 29, 2010

Smelly Asshole Phobia

After a shower I spray aerosol axe deodorant up my asshole. Then I rub Shea butter on it to soothe the burn. Then a few squirts of my favorite cologne. It costs around $120 annually for maintenance on my asshole. The soaps, colognes, creams, deodorants. I do this because I fear someone is going to capture me, pull down my pants and smell my asshole.

I also fear smelling someone else’s asshole. Men, women, friends. Even pretty girls with perfect, juicy, bubble butts. I “fantasize” about the shit chips stuck in their tiny, girly ass hairs and immediately get turned off. Or I'll imagine sticking my head between a fat dude's sweaty, crusty, pancake cheeks and inhaling. The poor guy will be walking with his family and I’ll be gagging because I’m thinking about snorting his asshole sweat.

It’s an unrealistic phobia, but its real.